Growing up in everyone's eyes I had everything, except in my eyes. I came from a very high class family, where I had to succeed in a very high category. In my father's eyes money was everything, and family came last. He thought if he bought everything we wanted we were happy. That was not the case. 

I was the only child for 6 years, then came along my sister. When she was born she was born 3 months early and very sick, my mom had to spend a lot of time at the hospital so I had to stay with my grandmother for awhile. I spent time with my grandmother, but not aloft because my father keep us so busy in the limelight of his social atmosphere. So being with her shed a new light on life. She let me play and get dirty, I didn't have to be dressed at all times and I could enjoy eating junk food and having a goodtime with her. She was more a mother and father to me than my own. 

When the time came to go home I was heartbroken I cried for days and called my grandmother everyday, she said if there was anything she could do she would. I started having bad dreams, I couldn't pay attention at school. I had a hard time doing anything period. My mom had no compassion. She just took care of the baby., my dad stayed angry at me and just said "how could you do this to me"?

 My dreams became worse, and so did everything else. I stayed in therapy for years not really knowing what was really wrong. As the years went on I went my own way still hating my father, I wasn't sure why I hated him so much except for the way I grew up. When I was 18 I was raped and beaten very bad. Through therapy I managed to get through it with still today some scars, even my life the rape and my father, there was still something wrong that I couldn't figure out. 

I'm married and have 3 children, a son who is 8, and 2 daughters,6,2. My life was getting better but I still had to take antidepressants, and my moods were still very moody. My marriage is ok, up and down sometimes, mainly because of my moods. My husband is excellent to deal with all of this but still doesn't understand it fully. I am 30 now and my dreams have started coming back now and there very powerful.

Through many therapists and doctors I finally was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I have now with the help of a wonderful doctor, put my dreams together. I was mentally abused and physically abused. My father raped me when I was a small child and had pleasure with me at any time, because my mother never paid attention me nor him. 

I am still ironing out my past with my doctor's help once a week, but slowly putting my past where it needs to be and trying to get a grip with my future. It will work out with a lot of time and patience.

 Story # 11

Now that I am here I don't know where to begin......

Tonight is a lonely night...guess that is why I came into this room to begin with. I have a lot of them lately. But that is nothing new. I have been lonely for the past 25 years.

In my life there has been no "great" trauma. I was not abused, or neglected, or any of the other things that some people with BPD have gone through. I think that I came by this naturally. Only recently have I been diagnosed with this disorder. In my 14 years of psychiatry I have pretty much had everything ( bi-polarity, schizophrenia, OCD, depression and anxiety disorder ). The first time I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt I was 16. I had to convince the doctor in the ER to admit me....there I was... scared, covered in open wounds that went from my neck to my hips, and alone. The doctor told me that it didn't seem so serious to him, that I should go home and try to calm down. I tried to tell him that for me there was no such option. If I went home then, I would never leave there alive again. Guess that finally convinced him.... I spent the next two months living in a psych ward at a local hospital. I have been back five times since then. This time I am determined not to return. 

For the last three years I have actually been really under control. And then I met a person that totally destroyed what small grip on a normal life I had. He is not a bad person....only it is very hard to remember that some days. To not think in the good/bad pattern. We are human. Simply humans.

Anyway, most of my problems lie with my relations to others. I do not attract people, quite the opposite...I do my best to make sure they can not get to me. If they cannot get in, I can not be hurt. This was always my philosophy. But it can lead to a very empty life. So every now and again I try to reach out, even though I expect from the beginning to get hurt. And I usually am. Is that their fault or my own? That I cannot answer.

I know this seems as though I am rambling, and maybe I am. I just wanted to leave something here for others. Know that there is always hope. That even when you cannot see them, there will always be someone who does care. You just have to be patient ( even though that can sometimes be the hardest thing to do ) and they will make themselves known.
thank you for listening.